I have moved!

This blog has been moved to Wordpress. This is the new url: http://brighterdays4you.wordpress.com/. You will find some interesting new posts on weight loss, narcissism and Munchausen by Internet.

Credit for previous post

The credit for the previous post on narcisistic parents belongs to http://narcmom.blogspot.com/.

Narcissistic relationships

A client of mine found this on a blog called 'My Narcissistic Mother'
Rule #1: Never try and reason with a narcissist because they are unreasonable.

Rule #2: You are wrong, the narcissist is right. Get over it.

Rule #3: Narcissists don't get 'hurt feelings' they get 'devastated', and it's all your fault.

Rule #4: You are an extension of the narcissists person; you are an OBJECT.

Rule #5: You are still wrong.


My input to this is that there are a couple of ways to cope with this. First acknowledge that you will never get your point across, second, do not try to argue because you will lose, third, do not try to improve your relationship anymore then you already have because you will not be able to. If all else fails and the relationship has become toxic to you to the point of getting physical ailments when you have contact with the person then cut off all contact. If you have questions about your relationship with a narcissist then contact me through www.brighterdays4you.com.

The rock.

I have been asked this question twice in as number of days so I am going to answer it here. What do you do when someone, spouse or adult child is not sure about commitment to you or not sure about claiming you as a parent but you want to remain committed to that person?

Pretend you are a rock and the other person is also a rock. This rock moves, and rolls at whim while you stay in the same place year after year. Sometimes this rock comes close to you, sometimes it rolls in the other direction. Sometimes it stays away for days or weeks at a time before it comes back. Sometimes it just rolls around just outside your reach but always within sight. Your job as long as you are committed to this person is to stay in one place. Let the other person go and roll around as needed or desired but be there when the person comes back.

If you are having problems with your spouse or child and have more questions, feel free to contact me through my site at www.brighterdays.com.

Dating and self esteem

How many books have you read that say improve your self-esteem and you will catch a man; you can't get anyone to love you unless you love yourself? Let me let you in on a little secret. I married very late in life at the age of 36. In the meantime, I followed all the instructions in the books and worked on my self esteem ad naseum. All I ever got out of it was a good job because I was able to sell myself very well. At the same time, I watched all my low self-esteem friends get married to all these great guys that I passed up. What's wrong with this picture?!!!!

What I discovered was that I needed to remove the blocks that prevented me from finding my soul mate. When I did that then I met and married my husband. My block was my distant relationship with my father and my fear of men in general. When I made friends with my dad and a male coworker then I lost my fear and learned that men were not so different from women.

What is your block? Let me help you find that out. Contact me through my website at wwww.brighterdays4you.com

Defeating depression

The best way to fight depression without medication is to do the opposit of what it tells you to do. It will tell you to stay at home, isolate yourself, not call your friends, sit in front of the television, eat whatever is in front of you, thingk about all the bad stuff from the past and not exercise.

Doing the opposit means getting up, going for walks, talking to friends, eating the right foods, getting out of the house and looking into the future instead of the past.

Written by a depressed client

I'm swimming all alone, in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and fight
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the water starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from this darknes
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness


Reprinted as written and by permission of client.

Choices, direction and payoff.

This is also something I found somewhere.

EVERYTHING I DO IS THE RESULT OF A CHOICE I MAKE

Every choice I make benefits me positively in some way, even though I may not know what the benefit is at the moment. I have inside me everything I need and all the tools I need to guide my life successfully. I can choose to gain greater self-awareness. I am responsible for 100% of my life. The degree to which others control my life is the degree to which I allow them to control it. I can voluntarily change my feelings by changing my thoughts. I can voluntarily change my behavior. Any problem I have experienced in my life is a problem I have created for myself. If I choose to continue creating a particular problem for myself, I do it because
1} I receive some pleasure of unacknowledged benefit or payoff for continuing the problem or
2) I can avoid a greater or more fearful problem by perpetuating the current problem. In other words, if I solve the current problem, I am afraid the greater problem will occur.

What is cognitive restructuring?

Cognitive restructuring is basically changing thoughts that upset you. To work through this cognitive restructuring exercise, think of an upsetting event.
1. Describe the event, what happened in sequential order.

2. List your feelings about the event.

3. List your thoughts about the event.

4. Evaluate your thoughts and decide which thoughts are helping you and which thoughts are the ones that are upsetting you.

5. Take the ones that are upsetting you and change them to thoughts that are not upsetting you. Soothe yourself and learn how to think differently about these situations when they come up in the future.

The self acceptance script on my site at www.brighterdays4you.com is very helpful for learning soothing thoughts.

Some people find it helpful to write down their thoughts before they write down their feelings. I listed feelings first here because most people find it easier to identify their thoughts by identifying their feelings first.

What therapy is.

Therapy is a learning process. Therapists teach skills and give you tools to help you deal with life in more helpful ways. It is easy to get impatient with this process however remember that you didn't learn how to read overnight. It takes practice. There are stages of learning that might be helpful for you as you go through this process.

1. Unaware that it is a problem.
2. Aware that it is a problem after it happens.
3. Seek help and learn the skill needed to resolve it.
4. Aware when problem happens and able to intervene.
5. Aware that you have learned how to be different.
6. Forgetting that it was ever a problem.

You are highly motivated to learn because you want to get out of the pain that you are in. Because of this, you will find yourself working through the learning process within a couple of weeks. Remember that it took you a long time to learn how to read so be patient with yourself.