Need Help To Cope ?

I have moved!

2008-03-17T12:05:00.003-07:00

This blog has been moved to Wordpress. This is the new url: http://brighterdays4you.wordpress.com/. You will find some interesting new posts on weight loss, narcissism and Munchausen by Internet.

Credit for previous post

2007-10-02T13:39:00.000-06:00

The credit for the previous post on narcisistic parents belongs to http://narcmom.blogspot.com/.

Narcissistic relationships

2007-10-01T10:39:00.000-06:00

A client of mine found this on a blog called 'My Narcissistic Mother'
Rule #1: Never try and reason with a narcissist because they are unreasonable.

Rule #2: You are wrong, the narcissist is right. Get over it.

Rule #3: Narcissists don't get 'hurt feelings' they get 'devastated', and it's all your fault.

Rule #4: You are an extension of the narcissists person; you are an OBJECT.

Rule #5: You are still wrong.

My input to this is that there are a couple of ways to cope with this. First acknowledge that you will never get your point across, second, do not try to argue because you will lose, third, do not try to improve your relationship anymore then you already have because you will not be able to. If all else fails and the relationship has become toxic to you to the point of getting physical ailments when you have contact with the person then cut off all contact. If you have questions about your relationship with a narcissist then contact me through www.brighterdays4you.com.

The rock.

2007-09-19T18:12:00.000-06:00

I have been asked this question twice in as number of days so I am going to answer it here. What do you do when someone, spouse or adult child is not sure about commitment to you or not sure about claiming you as a parent but you want to remain committed to that person?

Pretend you are a rock and the other person is also a rock. This rock moves, and rolls at whim while you stay in the same place year after year. Sometimes this rock comes close to you, sometimes it rolls in the other direction. Sometimes it stays away for days or weeks at a time before it comes back. Sometimes it just rolls around just outside your reach but always within sight. Your job as long as you are committed to this person is to stay in one place. Let the other person go and roll around as needed or desired but be there when the person comes back.

If you are having problems with your spouse or child and have more questions, feel free to contact me through my site at www.brighterdays.com.

Dating and self esteem

2007-09-12T14:12:00.001-06:00

How many books have you read that say improve your self-esteem and you will catch a man; you can't get anyone to love you unless you love yourself? Let me let you in on a little secret. I married very late in life at the age of 36. In the meantime, I followed all the instructions in the books and worked on my self esteem ad naseum. All I ever got out of it was a good job because I was able to sell myself very well. At the same time, I watched all my low self-esteem friends get married to all these great guys that I passed up. What's wrong with this picture?!!!!

What I discovered was that I needed to remove the blocks that prevented me from finding my soul mate. When I did that then I met and married my husband. My block was my distant relationship with my father and my fear of men in general. When I made friends with my dad and a male coworker then I lost my fear and learned that men were not so different from women.

What is your block? Let me help you find that out. Contact me through my website at wwww.brighterdays4you.com

Defeating depression

2007-08-27T19:03:00.000-06:00

The best way to fight depression without medication is to do the opposit of what it tells you to do. It will tell you to stay at home, isolate yourself, not call your friends, sit in front of the television, eat whatever is in front of you, thingk about all the bad stuff from the past and not exercise.

Doing the opposit means getting up, going for walks, talking to friends, eating the right foods, getting out of the house and looking into the future instead of the past.

Written by a depressed client

2007-08-25T21:59:00.000-06:00

I'm swimming all alone, in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and fight
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the water starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from this darknes
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness

Reprinted as written and by permission of client.

Choices, direction and payoff.

2007-08-23T11:31:00.000-06:00

This is also something I found somewhere.

EVERYTHING I DO IS THE RESULT OF A CHOICE I MAKE

Every choice I make benefits me positively in some way, even though I may not know what the benefit is at the moment. I have inside me everything I need and all the tools I need to guide my life successfully. I can choose to gain greater self-awareness. I am responsible for 100% of my life. The degree to which others control my life is the degree to which I allow them to control it. I can voluntarily change my feelings by changing my thoughts. I can voluntarily change my behavior. Any problem I have experienced in my life is a problem I have created for myself. If I choose to continue creating a particular problem for myself, I do it because
1} I receive some pleasure of unacknowledged benefit or payoff for continuing the problem or
2) I can avoid a greater or more fearful problem by perpetuating the current problem. In other words, if I solve the current problem, I am afraid the greater problem will occur.

What is cognitive restructuring?

2007-08-17T15:16:00.000-06:00

Cognitive restructuring is basically changing thoughts that upset you. To work through this cognitive restructuring exercise, think of an upsetting event.
1. Describe the event, what happened in sequential order.

2. List your feelings about the event.

3. List your thoughts about the event.

4. Evaluate your thoughts and decide which thoughts are helping you and which thoughts are the ones that are upsetting you.

5. Take the ones that are upsetting you and change them to thoughts that are not upsetting you. Soothe yourself and learn how to think differently about these situations when they come up in the future.

The self acceptance script on my site at www.brighterdays4you.com is very helpful for learning soothing thoughts.

Some people find it helpful to write down their thoughts before they write down their feelings. I listed feelings first here because most people find it easier to identify their thoughts by identifying their feelings first.

What therapy is.

2007-08-16T19:27:00.000-06:00

Therapy is a learning process. Therapists teach skills and give you tools to help you deal with life in more helpful ways. It is easy to get impatient with this process however remember that you didn't learn how to read overnight. It takes practice. There are stages of learning that might be helpful for you as you go through this process.

1. Unaware that it is a problem.
2. Aware that it is a problem after it happens.
3. Seek help and learn the skill needed to resolve it.
4. Aware when problem happens and able to intervene.
5. Aware that you have learned how to be different.
6. Forgetting that it was ever a problem.

You are highly motivated to learn because you want to get out of the pain that you are in. Because of this, you will find yourself working through the learning process within a couple of weeks. Remember that it took you a long time to learn how to read so be patient with yourself.

Counseling and Motivation

2007-08-14T12:14:00.001-06:00

I tell my clients that you can take my advice and do whatever you want with it use it, modify it or throw it away. It is your life, you are the one that is living it not me. It is your choices that are going to help you to get better.

Another thing to consider is that pain motivates. It is the pain that you want to get rid of. If you are choosing not to get rid of the pain then what is preventing you. It must be pretty powerful because otherwise you would have decided to get out of the pain.

Dating

2007-08-12T12:49:00.000-06:00

What is blocking the person from entering a relationship needs to be dealt with before the fun of getting out there and dating can begin. Usually if there is problems dating, it is because of distance from the opposite sex parent. We learn how to form romantic relationships by the kind of relationship we have with our opposite sex parent. If that parent is authoritarian then we will likely mate with an authoritarian man and vice versa.
The next step is to get out there and date. Have fun, don’t take it seriously and learn the game of dating. Make use of blind dating sites and don't be afraid to make more then one contact at a time until you narrow your choice down. This can be a time of practicing wooing and of learning what type of person you are attracted to.
The last step is being aware of knowing that when there has been distance between you and your opposite sex parent you will often go hot and cold to the partner you have chosen. This is because of the fear of becoming close to the opposite sex. You don't know how to be close to the opposite sex and yet you want to hence the hot and cold. Telling the partner this helps considerably in this phase.

Depression and medication

2007-08-07T16:02:00.000-06:00

How to know when to take medication if you are depressed.

There are two criteria that I use to determine whether a client should go on medication or whether a client could choose either/or. The first is if the thoughts of suicide have become so persistant that they are scaring the client, the means for suicide has become lethal, there have been past attempts or alcohol or drugs are involved and the second is if the client is having a difficult time functioning at home or at the job.

Antidepressants have a long half life which means basically that you feel the side effects before you feel the good effects. The most common side effects people feel are headaches and stomach aches or nausea. These go away after the first week. If they don't then talk to your doctor. The good effects are not felt for about 2-4 weeks later depending on the antidepressant prescribed so do not worry if you are not feeling better right away.

Power and control

2007-08-05T22:59:00.000-06:00

You have seen power and control wheels all over the web. You wonder if your guy fits. You hear about domestic violence but your man doesn't hit you, he doesn't even shove you, he doesn't call you names like the guys who beat up their wives so he isn't controlling right? Let me let you in on a secret, if he does even one of these things then he is controlling. He does not have to do the acts of violence.
Warning Signs of a Batterer

Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse - Name-calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures…
PRESSURE TACTICS - Rushing you to make decisions through "guilt-tripping"and other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what to do…
Abusing Authority - Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do; making big decisions; using "logic…"
Disrespect - Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family…
Abusing trust - Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous…
breaking promises - Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with childcare or housework…
emotional withholding - Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights or opinions…
minimizing, denying and blaming - Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn't happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it…
economic control - Interfering with your work or not letting you work; re fusing to give you or taking your money; taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car; threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies…
self-destructive behavior - Abusing drugs or alcohol; threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm; deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences (e.g., telling off the boss)…
isolation - Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives; monitoring phone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go…
harassment - Making uninvited visits or calls; following you; checking up on you; embarrassing you in public; refusing to leave when asked…
ACTS OF VIOLENCE
intimidation - Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments; out shouting you; driving recklessly…
destruction - Destroying your possessions (e.g., furniture); punching walls; throwing and/or breaking things…
Threats - Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others…
sexual violence - Degrading treatment based on your sex or sexual orientation; using force or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts…
physical violence - Being violent to you, your children, household pets or others; slapping; punching; grabbing; kicking; choking; pushing; biting; burning; stabbing; shooting; etc…
weapons - Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you; threatening or attempting to kill you or those you love…

Authenticity

2007-07-29T14:33:00.000-06:00

Getting honest with yourself part is not easy but it is rewarding in the end. When we are completely honest with ourselves and recognize our shortcomings, we can do something about them. We can make different goals. If we continue without acknowledging these then we find ourselves coming up short all the time. It is like trying to sing opera when you can't carry a tune. If we do not acknowledge to ourselves that we can't carry a tune then we can try all we want to sing opera but we will never get hired. If I do not acknowledge to myself that the reason why my husband and I are fighting is because I am feeling irritable and pressured and he is in my way then I am not going get along with my husband.

4 Basic relationship errors

2007-07-26T17:03:00.000-06:00

These four are the most popular relationship problems I see so I will discuss these.
1. The blame game.
This one is the hardest for people to understand. It is so much easier to play the victim and blame the other person for the problems. When you learn that the behavior is appropriate in yourr partner and that the unhappiness is actually within yourself then you can stop blaming the other and start working on yourself.
2. Acceptance is the key.
This one I teach using the serenity prayer. Accept that you cannot change the other person; you can only change yourself. To try and change someone who does not want to be changed is like hitting repeatedly against a brick wall so it is time to stop the pain of trying to move a brick wall.
3. Where's the respect?
Use "I" messages. Attacking the other person only puts their defenses up and does not lead to problem solving. Once this is established and "I" messages are learned then learn basic problem solving skills.
4. Who said you have to be right all the time?
This one is fairly easy to fix. Once the couple sees how unhappy being right is causing both of them, then they give it up.

Circles of friendships

2007-07-11T14:53:00.001-06:00

What is your circle of friends?

Imagine concentric circles. In the center is the smallest circle. In this circle is one or two of your closest friends. In the next circle are people that you see everyday and talk about daily activities and events. In the next circle are people that could be called aquaintances. People that you know their names and say hello to. In the next circle is everyone else that you run into. With each circle there are an increasing amount of people.

This circle of friends is important to remember not only because no one wins a popularity contest by being loved by everyone but also because when it comes time to confronting people, it helps you to decide whether it is worth it or not. You would more likely want to confront someone whom you are close to and you would be more likely to want to avoid someone whom you are not close to.

Who owns the problem?

2007-07-10T22:36:00.001-06:00

If you can get objective enough about a situation to figure out who owns the problem whether it is you or the other person then you have solved half of the problem. When there are differences that are causing problems between two people whether at work or at home first ask yourself who owns the problem. If it is the other person then first decide whether you want to ask the person to change it or if you want to figure out ways to work around the other persons problem. If it is your problem, then change the way that you look at it.

It is the other person's problem if you ask other people and they say that they have the same problem with that person, if the other person reacts out of the norm of everyone else,

It is your problem if people are telling you, if you find yourself acting out of the norm of other people, or if it is something that you have run into before with other people.

Revamped and improved article from my site.

2007-06-30T13:03:00.000-06:00

Not only did this article get a revamping but my site will also be revamped. Look for changes coming in the next several months.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT "I" MESSAGES

"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of "I"messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why).

"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You"messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it." Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.

General considerations when using "I" messages:

1. Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:
What am I feeling?
When am I feeling it?
Why am I feeling it?
2. Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.
3. Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."
4. Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.
5. Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.
Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.
6. Avoid "you"statements such as "I feel that you...", or "You make me feel...".

Practice, practice

Learning to use "I"messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.

Men versus women

Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.

What do "I"messages have to do with being a victim?

"I"messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?" If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I"message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours." I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.

Nobody makes anybody feel anything.

Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers." I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead."Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I"messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.

Serenity Prayer

2007-06-28T12:58:00.001-06:00

I like the Serenity Prayer because it reminds me of who I can and cannot control. For simplicity's sake, I am going to reprint it here.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

The only person you can change is yourself. You cannot change anyone else. We have free will all of us. We can attempt to influence others but if the other person does not want to change then we cannot make them change. If we have tried to influence, we have asked and the other refuses to change then the best thing that we can do is adapt or decide to distance ourselves from that person. For example you are a more lenient parent and your spouse is a more strict parent. Isn't it easier to allow each to parent in your own way then to argue about which way is better? Children adapt to differing parenting styles. It is the inconsistency within one parent that is difficult for the child and makes things difficult with that parent. Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. To try to control others only leads to anger, disagreements and pain. Eventually the pain gets to be so much that the marriage becomes destroyed, the friendship becomes destroyed or the parent/child relationship becomes destroyed.

Anxiety about disease.

2007-06-22T12:54:00.000-06:00

To handle anxiety about being diagnosed with an illness, find out as much as you can about it. Become an expert on your own illness. Try to learn as much or more about it then your doctor does. Learn to monitor yourself for signs that it is getting better or worse so that you can report these to your doctor. You may not be able to be in control of everything but the more you know the more in control you can be of your own health.

Handling emotional upsets in children.

2007-06-21T09:50:00.001-06:00

For divorced parents.

As long as the other parent is making promises to your children that he doesn't keep, you will be angry with him. The key here is to help your children deal with this in a healthy way. Getting mad at him won't help, but helping your children to understand what it means to keep promises and not keep promises, will. Let me see if I can make this clearer.

Lets say that he promises to take them to the park and doesn't show up. Your kids are disappointed and upset. Teach them that when someone makes promises and doesn't keep them, it is okay to be upset. Do not put dad down for not keeping his promise just teach them that it is ok to be upset and the best way to deal with this upset is to talk about it and then find something else to do that is just as fun. This is a delicate balance.

I forget where I found this but it makes sense here. "Our job as loving parents is not to prevent our children from experiencing pain and frustration. We couldn't do it anyway, but even if we could, it would not be desirable. Our real task is to help our children gradually build upa tolerance for sadness, anger, and other uncomfortable feelings. It is the mastery over these emotions, not the absence of them that enables children to feel good about themselves."

Sex addiction

2007-06-20T15:32:00.001-06:00

Sex addiction is becoming increasingly rampant because TV escalates it and the Internet escalates it even more. This is not something to ignore. Watch for signs of increased use of the Internet, money disappearing, asking you for unusual sexual favors, or wanting sex more or less often. An excellent site for more information is www.sexhelp.com. If you want help dealing with your addiction or your partner's addiction contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com.

Estrangement from children

2007-06-19T13:57:00.000-06:00

For parents who are estranged or alienated from their children, make a memory box. Put in cards, letters gifts anything that you would give to your child if it could be accepted. I had a client whose daughter was on drugs, was angry with her and had moved in with a wild boyfriend a state away. At Easter she would have nothing to do with her mother. Her mother went ahead and bought her an Easter basket and put it aside for her along with a letter. A couple of months later her daughter came back and they had a tearful reunion. It was so wonderful for both of them and for her daughter to know that her mother loved her enough to get the easter basket even when she was rejecting her mother. You can also put the gifts in a memory box along with a letter expressing your thoughts at the time and save them. I had another client whose daughter is much younger. It was a custody case in which the father took custody and tried to alienate her daughter from her. She still calls her daughter every week even though her daughter has to be careful of what she says around her parents. Her parents do not allow gifts from her mother. The client keeps a treasure box for her filled with clothes and gifts even though she has out grown them. She wants to show her daughter that she has thought of her through the years and has tried to get stuff to her through the years.

Losing yourself?

2007-06-17T17:00:00.000-06:00

Ever feel like you are losing yourself? That you don't know who you are anymore because the person you are with is not supportive of you? Here are some tactics as to how not to allow your significant other to talk into making nothing of your concerns.

Remind yourself every time that he says that that this is something that you need to do. You need to face this or you will go back into more pain then you were before. It is the pain that motivates. If you remind yourself that it was more painful before you became more aware of your problems and that you need to deal with them then you will not allow him to make nothing of it. You only need to do this in your mind at first. In other words he says, "Oh its nothing." You say to yourself, "But it is something that I need to deal with."and say nothing to him at first. Eventually you will get strong enough to do it verbally with him. Also, find yourself a good friend and confidant. One that will support you and help you to sort through your feelings.

Information for families of sexual abuse

2007-06-11T08:41:00.001-06:00

It looks like not all of my post on the 9th went through so I am reposting it here.

Wayne Duehn
Child Sexual Abuse: Dealing with the Traumatic Aftermath

To recover from trauma:
1 Have a support system
A) that believes that the trauma occurred
B) that the child can feel safe about telling the details of the trauma (as much as they want to or can say)
2. Education system
A) Can give cognitive framework for the "why me"questions
B) Why the victim was not protected by the family
C) To make sense out of a senseless act
D) To give the family knowledge and skills

Families where sexual abuse is likely to occur
1. Rigidly enmeshed
A) Gradual grooming process
B) High incidences of recanting stories
2. Chaotically disengaged
A) Systemic sex abuse
B) Multiple perps
C) More likely to love their mother because they have seen her abused also
D) Characteristics of these families
1) frequent moves
2) substance abuse
3) lots of unsupervised time
4) lots of people in and out - mostly lovers
5) mother is dependent personality disordered

Healing process
1. Give it a label such as incest or systemic abuse
2. Use genograms to help victim see that it was not her fault
3. Establish safety first in the home
a) have a monitoring system
b) set standards and policies
c) have rules that assure that the victim will not be abused - rules about sex
d) have touch contracts

For questions about the above information, please put them here or contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com.

2007-06-09T19:10:00.001-06:00

Wayne Duehn
Child Sexual Abuse: Dealing with the Traumatic Aftermath

To recover from trauma:
1.

Counselor shop

2007-06-08T16:02:00.001-06:00

If you are displeased with your counselor it is okay to counselor shop much like you would when shopping for a good doctor. You want to find one that is a good fit for you. A counselor can have a very big impact on your life and if you are with a counselor that is not a good fit then you are not going to trust what that counselor tells you and will not allow the counselor to help you like you want to be helped.

Visit my website at www.brighterdays4you.com and if you tell me that you are having problems with your counselor, I will give you your first session with me free to see if we are a good fit.

Traumatizing factors

2007-06-06T12:29:00.000-06:00

Understanding correlations for sexual victim traumatization

Correlating factors

1. (87%)Sexual Responsiveness - Whether the victim experienced sexual pleasure from the molestation or whether the victim asked for gifts in exchange for sex.

2. (92%)Terror - This is not physical violence rather it is the anticipation of knowing when it will happen. The victim may be traumatized by initiating the molestation to get it over with or the perpetrator may beg and beg until the victim gives in. The victim may then feel like she chose to be victimized. The perpetrator may schedule times for perpetration because it enhances his pleasure when he knows that the victim will be dreading the experience.

3. (82%)Distorted Offender I.D. - When the offender is not seen as a criminal. These are the nice offenders such as Boy Scout leaders or when the offender is a family member.

4. (92%)Under Age 12 - Onset of abuse began before age 12.

6. (96%)Footprints - Negative coping skills are developed such as not remembering that the abuse occurred. When the abuse is not remembered then there are no cognitions with the emotional or physical triggers. When the memory of the abuse is viewed as negative or the victim internalizes a negative self-image as a result of the abuse this is traumatizing. If there are no social supports or the family is dysfunctional the victim may not have emotional support available to help cope.

7. (79%)Withheld report - The victim did not tell anyone of the abuse.

8. (100%)Disastrous Response - The victim tells someone however the response to telling is negative such as the victim is blamed.

9. (85%)Trauma Bond - When the victim forms a bond with the perpetrator. This happens when the perpetrator is a significant person such as father or brother. When the perpetrator is the father, he may move away from the spouse and parentalize the victim.

Credits for this research go to Toni Cavanaugh Johnson. The percentages in the parentheses are the amount of people that are traumatised by that factor. Please note that the victims are most traumatized by being blamed for the abuse. An example of this would be the mother calling the victim names or accusing her of initiating it or accusing her of tearing the family apart by reporting it.

2007-06-05T14:47:00.000-06:00

Everything I do is the result of a choice I make.

Every choice I make benefits me positively in some way, even though I may not know what the benefit is at the moment.
I have inside me everything I need and all the tools I need to guide my life successfully.
I can choose to gain greater self-awareness.
I am responsible for 100% of my life.
The degree to which others control my life is the degree to which I allow them to control it.
I can voluntarily change my feelings, by changing my thoughts.
I can voluntarily change my behavior.
Any problem I have experienced in my life is a problem I have created for myself.
If I choose to continue creating a particular problem for myself, I do it because
(a) I receive some pleasure or unacknowledged benefit or payoff for continuing the problem, or
(b) I can avoid a greater or more fearful problem by perpetuating the current problem. In other words, if I solve the current problem, I am afraid the greater problem will occur.

Sexual boundaries

2007-06-04T13:09:00.000-06:00

Sexual boundaries are of course when we are molested or raped. Some interesting facts about sexual abuse however that will help you to prevent yourself from being raped. Perpetrators test your sexual boundaries to see if you are someone that is okay for them to rape. They do this in a couple of ways. They sit too close or brush you while you are standing, or they look at you provocatively to see what you will do. They look at your breasts or genitals while talking to you. They talk about sex to see what your reaction is. They see if you have been drinking because drinking lowers inhibitions.

Rapists know to look for sexual boundaries that are not there. Women who have been molested as children do not have their sexual boundaries in the right place. They have been "groomed" or taught by their perpetrator to drop their boundaries and to not pay attention to their feelings of it being wrong. If you have been molested as a child, you can learn how to put your boundaries in the right place by paying attention to the cues. The best cue is internal. Does this person give you an "ick" feeling inside? Pay attention to how you feel when someone gets too close to you physically. Learn to recognise that feeling as a feeling of warning. A very good book on this subject is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.

Tomorrow we will talk more about traumatizing factors around incest.

Intellectual boundaries

2007-06-03T10:57:00.000-06:00

This is harder to describe so let me start with a story about a family that I saw in counseling. This family had a single mother and 3 daughters. When the mother was confronted on something and started crying, all of her daughters cried. Similarly when one of the daughters started crying everyone in the family cried. The belief in this family was that if one cried then all must cry. That belief is an intellectual boundary. The intellectual boundary of the daughters had been crossed so that they believed what their mother told them about crying. In other words intellectual boundaries get crossed when a certain message or belief is told so many times, it becomes gospel truth in the family. Beliefs cannot be challenged but must be integrated instead. Intellectual boundaries are most commonly violated in families where to believe anything outside of the families beliefs gets met with criticism and ridicule. So for example if the family's religion is Methodist then anyone stating a Muslim belief would be met with ridicule. Another example is when a family is homophobic and one of the children realizes that he is homosexual. That family member gets met with criticism and hostility.

Emotional boundaries

2007-06-02T18:32:00.001-06:00

Lets talk about emotional boundaries next. Emotional boundaries are when someone overly criticizes you, calls you names, puts you down, and does not value you as a person. You do not have to be treated that way. You can set a limit and not allow others to put you down or call you names. Sometimes when we are brought up in households where there is a lot of verbal abuse, our emotional boundaries have been crossed so many times that we set it inappropriately too close and continue to allow others to call us names. This can be unlearned and appropriate boundaries can be taught. If you allow others to verbally or emotionally abuse you contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com. I can teach you how to set boundaries in which you no longer allow others to put you down.

Boundaries

2007-06-01T13:16:00.000-06:00

A quick overview of boundaries with more coming in later posts.

Boundaries are like a bubble around ourselves. There are many types of boundaries. I will just explain the physical boundary for now because it is the simplest to see.

You can see your own boundary by watching what you do when someone gets too close to you. The point at which you backed up or looked down is your physical boundary. Physical boundaries protect us from being physically hurt by another person. Watch what another person does when you move into that person's space. Did he back up or look down? Was her space bigger or smaller then yours? The space that we give to the opposite sex tends to be wider then to the same sex. The space given for children is smaller and the space given for taller people is bigger.

an assertive technique

2007-05-30T09:59:00.000-06:00

I call this technique the broken record technique. When records were broken they would repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over. This technique is beautiful because it gets the point that you want to make across and in a nice way. You do not need to get mad in order to get the point across.

This is how it works. Someone asks you to do something that is offensive for you. You say no but the person persists to the point where you have a difficult time continuing to say no. The person begins to whine and to say things like you are the only one that can help. This is how you get out of this one. With raising your voice, without getting mad, you continue to say no. I had a client that had a problem with chasing visitors out of his house. The would show up late at night and want to hang out with him. This technique helped him to feel good about telling them that he wanted to go to bed. He kept repeating that it was bedtime for him and he wanted to go to bed right now. He did not need to say no you can't come in or no I don't want you here or anything like that. He merely repeated that he wanted to go to bed. He was excited about how well this worked for him without him needing to get mad and chase the person away.

When to forgive.

2007-05-27T10:01:00.000-06:00

Anger and hurt are natural reactions. It is also natural to need to work through those feelings before you can forgive. Forgiving too soon puts you in a position of being hurt again. It is the never forgiving at all, the holding of grudges that can lead to problems.

debt counseling

2007-05-26T10:54:00.001-06:00

Debt counseling
There are debt counseling services for free. Do not pay for this service! Here is a website for you to check out: http://www.moneymanagement.org/FinancialFreedom/cccs.asp?RCTAG=CCCS&src=MMIPD_overture&CMP=KNC-OVR&ovmkt=5OPRGVU0L32LU8JM6SFOL2RPSC
This is a nonprofit free debt solution organization that will give you some answers.

Controlling behavior

2007-05-25T09:07:00.001-06:00

Warning Signs of a Batterer

Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse - Name-calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures…

PRESSURE TACTICS - Rushing you to make decisions through "guilt-tripping"and other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what to do…

Abusing Authority - Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do; making big decisions; using "logic…"

Disrespect - Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family…

Abusing trust - Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous…
breaking promises - Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with childcare or housework…

emotional withholding - Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights or opinions…

minimizing, denying and blaming - Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn't happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it…

economic control - Interfering with your work or not letting you work; re fusing to give you or taking your money; taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car; threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies…

self-destructive behavior - Abusing drugs or alcohol; threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm; deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences (e.g., telling off the boss)…

isolation - Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives; monitoring phone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go…

harassment - Making uninvited visits or calls; following you; checking up on you; embarrassing you in public; refusing to leave when asked…

ACTS OF VIOLENCE
intimidation - Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments; out shouting you; driving recklessly…
destruction - Destroying your possessions (e.g., furniture); punching walls; throwing and/or breaking things…
Threats - Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others…
sexual violence - Degrading treatment based on your sex or sexual orientation; using force or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts…
physical violence - Being violent to you, your children, household pets or others; slapping; punching; grabbing; kicking; choking; pushing; biting; burning; stabbing; shooting; etc…
weapons - Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you; threatening or attempting to kill you or those you love…

Differences in how men and women think.

2007-05-24T13:16:00.001-06:00

There a couple of differences in communication styles between men and women.
1. Women talk primarily about feelings while men talk about reasons for those feelings.
2. Women are more emotional then men which leads to arguments on both sides.
3. Women are more likely to want to talk things out then men are.
4. Men like to fix things including emotions while women like to nurture things including emotions. Again this can lead to arguments on both sides.
5. Men are socialized to provide while women are socialized to nurture.

Once these differences are acknowledged on both sides, they can be practiced. For example women can work on sorting out the reasons for their feelings and men can work on labelling their feelings.

How to solve an argument.

2007-05-23T07:46:00.000-06:00

1. Define the problem.
The more people there are the more difficult this is so spend some time on this one. Also if you do not make this clear enough, much time can be wasted while different people are trying to solve the wrong problem.
2. Brainstorm solutions
This is not the time to evaluate the solutions. Anything goes. Try to come up with at least twenty and let some of them be offbeat ones. It is the offbeat ones that can sometimes lead to real solutions. If you start saying things like, no that won't work, then very quickly everyone starts shutting down because they evaluate it in their mind and reject it. Just write down whatever is brought up whether you think it is a good idea or not.
3. Evaluate solutions
Now is the time to go over the solutions and evaluate what will work and what won't. Don't be afraid to pick a couple or a combination of some of them. Always pick a back up plan. Agree as a family that you are going to try the first and if that does not work out, you will try the second.
4. Try whatever it was that you selected.
5. After a few weeks evaluate it.
Did it work? If not then try the back up plan or go back to number 2 and either brainstorm more solutions or try another one.

What is codependency?

2007-05-22T11:07:00.000-06:00

Lets define specifically what codependent is. Codependent is when you give more of yourself then the other person does to the point where you feel drained and then keep on giving. It is also when you stay in a painful relationship because you are afraid of being alone.

Interdependence is when both are reliant on the other and both share responsibility for whatever problems arise. There is reciprocity in the giving. While both lean on each other for support it is a sharing of support rather then one always giving and the other always receiving.

How do you know when it is time to divorce? Read on...

2007-05-21T16:24:00.003-06:00

Divorce
There are two tasks that need to be done before a person decides to divorce. First the person deciding to leave needs to grieve the loss of what that person wanted out of the marriage. The ideal, the dream, or what once was and now is no more. That person needs to go all the way through the grieving process including the five stages of grief which usually takes about a year.
The five stages will be listed here because if you are thinking of leaving, it will give you an idea of how far you are in grieving.
1. Denial - I can't believe this is as bad as it is. He or she will get better. There is still hope for this relationship.
2. Anger - It is all my partner's fault. That person is the one that is in the wrong. Why me?
3. Bargaining - If only this would have happened or that would be different or if we could get help or if that would have worked. This is the working through understanding what went wrong in the relationship. Was it about me or the other person? Is there any way of salvaging it?
4. Guilt - It is all my fault. I am the one that allowed this to happen. I am the one that made all of the mistakes. I am the one that is wrong.
5. Acceptance - This is when you can say to yourself it is over and it no longer hurts to say it. This is when it becomes a relief to leave your partner because you know without a doubt that it is over.
Each of these stages have a purpose in understanding why the relationship failed. Each needs to be gone through.

The second task is to feel that you have done everything you could to salvage the relationship. While most of this is done in the bargaining phase, in the end it needs to be part of the acceptance that you have tried everything and nothing has worked. It does not matter what these things are, they are unique to the individual and the relationship. It just matters that you have tried several things and none have worked.

For more information, contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com

Worry too much?

2007-05-20T12:48:00.000-06:00

Symptoms of anxiety (GAD)
Excessive worry
Lump in the throat or a choking sensation
Stomach aches or headaches
Muscles aches, tension
Jumpy, jittery, trembling

Symptoms of panic
Disturbed sleep
Clammy hands
Racing heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Numbness tingling in hands and feet from hyperventilating
Dizziness, lightheaded

People often mistake a panic attack for a heart attack. It is a good rule of thumb to have it checked out because it might be a heart attack. It is better to be embarrassed then dead.

PTSD can cause anxiety
Phobias can cause a panic attack however are limited to the object of the phobia.

Treatment options include learning how to relax and empty your mind. Medications can also be helpful. For more information or help contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com

Are you having thoughts of suicide?

2007-05-19T11:31:00.000-06:00

5 LEVELS OF SUICIDE

LEVEL ONE
Thoughts of wanting to die
Thoughts of death with no thoughts of suicide
Just wanting to die of disease
May say things like Ï wish I was dead." when angry or hurt

LEVEL TWO
Thoughts of suicide with no plan or intent
May start feeling hopeless or helpless and may voice this
Might say things like Ï just want to kill myself or Why don't I just kill myself."when angry or hurt.

LEVEL THREE
Thoughts of suicide with a plan that is not lethal.
Non-lethal plans are plans like taking a bunch of pills, cutting wrist
No intent.

LEVEL FOUR
This is where males and females diverge.
Women are more likely to develop plans that are non-lethal and are more likely to attempt.
For women past suicide attempts as attempts get more lethal each time.
Men are more likely to develop plans that are lethal but are less likely to attempt.
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal but no intent if male
Several attempts prior if female
May talk about seeing others as better off with out them but can be talked out of this.

LEVEL FIVE
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal and with intent.
Suicide becomes the only option out of their problems.
See everyone else as better off without them and cannot be talked out of this.

Factors
If there is drinking or drug use always raise the person by a level because alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions.
Always seek help at all levels because even level one is a symptom of depression and can be treated.
Seek emergency help if at level five.
As the level gets higher the thoughts of suicide increase and become more obsessive.

How to tell if you are depressed.

2007-05-18T11:45:00.000-06:00

There are three levels of depression. Each level builds on the other so that the moderate level includes symptoms in the mild level and severe level includes symptoms in mild and moderate.

Mild
Lack of motivation
Low self esteem
Feeling tired
Isolating self - not seeing friends or family
Sleeping too much
Feeling sad or blue most days
Thoughts of wanting to die from illness

Moderate
Losing sleep
Losing appetite
Losing hope
Thoughts of suicide with no intent
Feeling helpless, trapped
Having problems concentrating and/or making decisions

Severe
Feel hopeless and helpless
Thoughts of suicide become obsessive
Can be self destructive or self defeating
Thoughts of suicide with intent or thoughts of homicide with intent.

Help in falling asleep.

2007-05-17T11:22:00.000-06:00

Try this exercise before going to sleep. This is a relaxation exercise designed to put you right to sleep so be in bed when you do it.

First close your eyes and then take 3 deep breaths. Then breathe in tense all the the muscles in your face, hold, relax and breath out. Next tense all the muscles in your neck, hold, relax and breath out. Work down your body until you reach your toes if you haven't fallen asleep before then. When you get to your toes, imagine all of the tensions and frustrations of the day flowing out as you breathe out. Continue to imagine the tensions and frustations flowing out as you breathe out until you fall asleep.

The best poem I have ever seen on grief.

2007-05-16T23:02:00.000-06:00

Love and Gratitude

The agony is so great and yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much I would not hurt so much
but goodness knows I would not want to diminish that precious love
by one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt and I will be grateful to the hurt
for it bears witness to the depth of my love
and for that I will be eternally grateful.

www.brighterdays4you.com

2007-05-16T20:17:00.000-06:00

At www.brighterdays4you.com you can find tips to help you with communicating with your children and to improve your self esteem.