Revamped and improved article from my site.

Not only did this article get a revamping but my site will also be revamped. Look for changes coming in the next several months.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT "I" MESSAGES

"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of "I"messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why).

"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You"messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it." Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.

General considerations when using "I" messages:

1. Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:
What am I feeling?
When am I feeling it?
Why am I feeling it?
2. Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.
3. Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."
4. Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.
5. Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.
Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.
6. Avoid "you"statements such as "I feel that you...", or "You make me feel...".

Practice, practice

Learning to use "I"messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.

Men versus women

Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.

What do "I"messages have to do with being a victim?

"I"messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?" If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I"message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours." I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.

Nobody makes anybody feel anything.

Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers." I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead."Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I"messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.

Serenity Prayer

I like the Serenity Prayer because it reminds me of who I can and cannot control. For simplicity's sake, I am going to reprint it here.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

The only person you can change is yourself. You cannot change anyone else. We have free will all of us. We can attempt to influence others but if the other person does not want to change then we cannot make them change. If we have tried to influence, we have asked and the other refuses to change then the best thing that we can do is adapt or decide to distance ourselves from that person. For example you are a more lenient parent and your spouse is a more strict parent. Isn't it easier to allow each to parent in your own way then to argue about which way is better? Children adapt to differing parenting styles. It is the inconsistency within one parent that is difficult for the child and makes things difficult with that parent. Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. To try to control others only leads to anger, disagreements and pain. Eventually the pain gets to be so much that the marriage becomes destroyed, the friendship becomes destroyed or the parent/child relationship becomes destroyed.

Anxiety about disease.

To handle anxiety about being diagnosed with an illness, find out as much as you can about it. Become an expert on your own illness. Try to learn as much or more about it then your doctor does. Learn to monitor yourself for signs that it is getting better or worse so that you can report these to your doctor. You may not be able to be in control of everything but the more you know the more in control you can be of your own health.

Handling emotional upsets in children.

For divorced parents.

As long as the other parent is making promises to your children that he doesn't keep, you will be angry with him. The key here is to help your children deal with this in a healthy way. Getting mad at him won't help, but helping your children to understand what it means to keep promises and not keep promises, will. Let me see if I can make this clearer.

Lets say that he promises to take them to the park and doesn't show up. Your kids are disappointed and upset. Teach them that when someone makes promises and doesn't keep them, it is okay to be upset. Do not put dad down for not keeping his promise just teach them that it is ok to be upset and the best way to deal with this upset is to talk about it and then find something else to do that is just as fun. This is a delicate balance.

I forget where I found this but it makes sense here. "Our job as loving parents is not to prevent our children from experiencing pain and frustration. We couldn't do it anyway, but even if we could, it would not be desirable. Our real task is to help our children gradually build upa tolerance for sadness, anger, and other uncomfortable feelings. It is the mastery over these emotions, not the absence of them that enables children to feel good about themselves."

Sex addiction

Sex addiction is becoming increasingly rampant because TV escalates it and the Internet escalates it even more. This is not something to ignore. Watch for signs of increased use of the Internet, money disappearing, asking you for unusual sexual favors, or wanting sex more or less often. An excellent site for more information is www.sexhelp.com. If you want help dealing with your addiction or your partner's addiction contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com.

Estrangement from children

For parents who are estranged or alienated from their children, make a memory box. Put in cards, letters gifts anything that you would give to your child if it could be accepted. I had a client whose daughter was on drugs, was angry with her and had moved in with a wild boyfriend a state away. At Easter she would have nothing to do with her mother. Her mother went ahead and bought her an Easter basket and put it aside for her along with a letter. A couple of months later her daughter came back and they had a tearful reunion. It was so wonderful for both of them and for her daughter to know that her mother loved her enough to get the easter basket even when she was rejecting her mother. You can also put the gifts in a memory box along with a letter expressing your thoughts at the time and save them. I had another client whose daughter is much younger. It was a custody case in which the father took custody and tried to alienate her daughter from her. She still calls her daughter every week even though her daughter has to be careful of what she says around her parents. Her parents do not allow gifts from her mother. The client keeps a treasure box for her filled with clothes and gifts even though she has out grown them. She wants to show her daughter that she has thought of her through the years and has tried to get stuff to her through the years.

Losing yourself?

Ever feel like you are losing yourself? That you don't know who you are anymore because the person you are with is not supportive of you? Here are some tactics as to how not to allow your significant other to talk into making nothing of your concerns.

Remind yourself every time that he says that that this is something that you need to do. You need to face this or you will go back into more pain then you were before. It is the pain that motivates. If you remind yourself that it was more painful before you became more aware of your problems and that you need to deal with them then you will not allow him to make nothing of it. You only need to do this in your mind at first. In other words he says, "Oh its nothing." You say to yourself, "But it is something that I need to deal with."and say nothing to him at first. Eventually you will get strong enough to do it verbally with him. Also, find yourself a good friend and confidant. One that will support you and help you to sort through your feelings.

Information for families of sexual abuse

It looks like not all of my post on the 9th went through so I am reposting it here.

Wayne Duehn
Child Sexual Abuse: Dealing with the Traumatic Aftermath

To recover from trauma:
1 Have a support system
A) that believes that the trauma occurred
B) that the child can feel safe about telling the details of the trauma (as much as they want to or can say)
2. Education system
A) Can give cognitive framework for the "why me"questions
B) Why the victim was not protected by the family
C) To make sense out of a senseless act
D) To give the family knowledge and skills

Families where sexual abuse is likely to occur
1. Rigidly enmeshed
A) Gradual grooming process
B) High incidences of recanting stories
2. Chaotically disengaged
A) Systemic sex abuse
B) Multiple perps
C) More likely to love their mother because they have seen her abused also
D) Characteristics of these families
1) frequent moves
2) substance abuse
3) lots of unsupervised time
4) lots of people in and out - mostly lovers
5) mother is dependent personality disordered

Healing process
1. Give it a label such as incest or systemic abuse
2. Use genograms to help victim see that it was not her fault
3. Establish safety first in the home
a) have a monitoring system
b) set standards and policies
c) have rules that assure that the victim will not be abused - rules about sex
d) have touch contracts

For questions about the above information, please put them here or contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com.

Wayne Duehn
Child Sexual Abuse: Dealing with the Traumatic Aftermath


To recover from trauma:
1.

Counselor shop

If you are displeased with your counselor it is okay to counselor shop much like you would when shopping for a good doctor. You want to find one that is a good fit for you. A counselor can have a very big impact on your life and if you are with a counselor that is not a good fit then you are not going to trust what that counselor tells you and will not allow the counselor to help you like you want to be helped.

Visit my website at www.brighterdays4you.com and if you tell me that you are having problems with your counselor, I will give you your first session with me free to see if we are a good fit.

Traumatizing factors

Understanding correlations for sexual victim traumatization

Correlating factors

1. (87%)Sexual Responsiveness - Whether the victim experienced sexual pleasure from the molestation or whether the victim asked for gifts in exchange for sex.

2. (92%)Terror - This is not physical violence rather it is the anticipation of knowing when it will happen. The victim may be traumatized by initiating the molestation to get it over with or the perpetrator may beg and beg until the victim gives in. The victim may then feel like she chose to be victimized. The perpetrator may schedule times for perpetration because it enhances his pleasure when he knows that the victim will be dreading the experience.

3. (82%)Distorted Offender I.D. - When the offender is not seen as a criminal. These are the nice offenders such as Boy Scout leaders or when the offender is a family member.

4. (92%)Under Age 12 - Onset of abuse began before age 12.

6. (96%)Footprints - Negative coping skills are developed such as not remembering that the abuse occurred. When the abuse is not remembered then there are no cognitions with the emotional or physical triggers. When the memory of the abuse is viewed as negative or the victim internalizes a negative self-image as a result of the abuse this is traumatizing. If there are no social supports or the family is dysfunctional the victim may not have emotional support available to help cope.

7. (79%)Withheld report - The victim did not tell anyone of the abuse.

8. (100%)Disastrous Response - The victim tells someone however the response to telling is negative such as the victim is blamed.

9. (85%)Trauma Bond - When the victim forms a bond with the perpetrator. This happens when the perpetrator is a significant person such as father or brother. When the perpetrator is the father, he may move away from the spouse and parentalize the victim.

Credits for this research go to Toni Cavanaugh Johnson. The percentages in the parentheses are the amount of people that are traumatised by that factor. Please note that the victims are most traumatized by being blamed for the abuse. An example of this would be the mother calling the victim names or accusing her of initiating it or accusing her of tearing the family apart by reporting it.

Everything I do is the result of a choice I make.

Every choice I make benefits me positively in some way, even though I may not know what the benefit is at the moment.
I have inside me everything I need and all the tools I need to guide my life successfully.
I can choose to gain greater self-awareness.
I am responsible for 100% of my life.
The degree to which others control my life is the degree to which I allow them to control it.
I can voluntarily change my feelings, by changing my thoughts.
I can voluntarily change my behavior.
Any problem I have experienced in my life is a problem I have created for myself.
If I choose to continue creating a particular problem for myself, I do it because
(a) I receive some pleasure or unacknowledged benefit or payoff for continuing the problem, or
(b) I can avoid a greater or more fearful problem by perpetuating the current problem. In other words, if I solve the current problem, I am afraid the greater problem will occur.

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries are of course when we are molested or raped. Some interesting facts about sexual abuse however that will help you to prevent yourself from being raped. Perpetrators test your sexual boundaries to see if you are someone that is okay for them to rape. They do this in a couple of ways. They sit too close or brush you while you are standing, or they look at you provocatively to see what you will do. They look at your breasts or genitals while talking to you. They talk about sex to see what your reaction is. They see if you have been drinking because drinking lowers inhibitions.

Rapists know to look for sexual boundaries that are not there. Women who have been molested as children do not have their sexual boundaries in the right place. They have been "groomed" or taught by their perpetrator to drop their boundaries and to not pay attention to their feelings of it being wrong. If you have been molested as a child, you can learn how to put your boundaries in the right place by paying attention to the cues. The best cue is internal. Does this person give you an "ick" feeling inside? Pay attention to how you feel when someone gets too close to you physically. Learn to recognise that feeling as a feeling of warning. A very good book on this subject is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.

Tomorrow we will talk more about traumatizing factors around incest.

Intellectual boundaries

This is harder to describe so let me start with a story about a family that I saw in counseling. This family had a single mother and 3 daughters. When the mother was confronted on something and started crying, all of her daughters cried. Similarly when one of the daughters started crying everyone in the family cried. The belief in this family was that if one cried then all must cry. That belief is an intellectual boundary. The intellectual boundary of the daughters had been crossed so that they believed what their mother told them about crying. In other words intellectual boundaries get crossed when a certain message or belief is told so many times, it becomes gospel truth in the family. Beliefs cannot be challenged but must be integrated instead. Intellectual boundaries are most commonly violated in families where to believe anything outside of the families beliefs gets met with criticism and ridicule. So for example if the family's religion is Methodist then anyone stating a Muslim belief would be met with ridicule. Another example is when a family is homophobic and one of the children realizes that he is homosexual. That family member gets met with criticism and hostility.

Emotional boundaries

Lets talk about emotional boundaries next. Emotional boundaries are when someone overly criticizes you, calls you names, puts you down, and does not value you as a person. You do not have to be treated that way. You can set a limit and not allow others to put you down or call you names. Sometimes when we are brought up in households where there is a lot of verbal abuse, our emotional boundaries have been crossed so many times that we set it inappropriately too close and continue to allow others to call us names. This can be unlearned and appropriate boundaries can be taught. If you allow others to verbally or emotionally abuse you contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com. I can teach you how to set boundaries in which you no longer allow others to put you down.

Boundaries

A quick overview of boundaries with more coming in later posts.

Boundaries are like a bubble around ourselves. There are many types of boundaries. I will just explain the physical boundary for now because it is the simplest to see.

You can see your own boundary by watching what you do when someone gets too close to you. The point at which you backed up or looked down is your physical boundary. Physical boundaries protect us from being physically hurt by another person. Watch what another person does when you move into that person's space. Did he back up or look down? Was her space bigger or smaller then yours? The space that we give to the opposite sex tends to be wider then to the same sex. The space given for children is smaller and the space given for taller people is bigger.