an assertive technique

I call this technique the broken record technique. When records were broken they would repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over. This technique is beautiful because it gets the point that you want to make across and in a nice way. You do not need to get mad in order to get the point across.

This is how it works. Someone asks you to do something that is offensive for you. You say no but the person persists to the point where you have a difficult time continuing to say no. The person begins to whine and to say things like you are the only one that can help. This is how you get out of this one. With raising your voice, without getting mad, you continue to say no. I had a client that had a problem with chasing visitors out of his house. The would show up late at night and want to hang out with him. This technique helped him to feel good about telling them that he wanted to go to bed. He kept repeating that it was bedtime for him and he wanted to go to bed right now. He did not need to say no you can't come in or no I don't want you here or anything like that. He merely repeated that he wanted to go to bed. He was excited about how well this worked for him without him needing to get mad and chase the person away.

When to forgive.

Anger and hurt are natural reactions. It is also natural to need to work through those feelings before you can forgive. Forgiving too soon puts you in a position of being hurt again. It is the never forgiving at all, the holding of grudges that can lead to problems.

debt counseling

Debt counseling
There are debt counseling services for free. Do not pay for this service! Here is a website for you to check out: http://www.moneymanagement.org/FinancialFreedom/cccs.asp?RCTAG=CCCS&src=MMIPD_overture&CMP=KNC-OVR&ovmkt=5OPRGVU0L32LU8JM6SFOL2RPSC
This is a nonprofit free debt solution organization that will give you some answers.

Controlling behavior

Warning Signs of a Batterer

Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse - Name-calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures…

PRESSURE TACTICS - Rushing you to make decisions through "guilt-tripping"and other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what to do…

Abusing Authority - Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do; making big decisions; using "logic…"

Disrespect - Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family…

Abusing trust - Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous…
breaking promises - Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with childcare or housework…

emotional withholding - Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights or opinions…

minimizing, denying and blaming - Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn't happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it…

economic control - Interfering with your work or not letting you work; re fusing to give you or taking your money; taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car; threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies…

self-destructive behavior - Abusing drugs or alcohol; threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm; deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences (e.g., telling off the boss)…

isolation - Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives; monitoring phone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go…

harassment - Making uninvited visits or calls; following you; checking up on you; embarrassing you in public; refusing to leave when asked…


ACTS OF VIOLENCE
intimidation - Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments; out shouting you; driving recklessly…
destruction - Destroying your possessions (e.g., furniture); punching walls; throwing and/or breaking things…
Threats - Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others…
sexual violence - Degrading treatment based on your sex or sexual orientation; using force or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts…
physical violence - Being violent to you, your children, household pets or others; slapping; punching; grabbing; kicking; choking; pushing; biting; burning; stabbing; shooting; etc…
weapons - Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you; threatening or attempting to kill you or those you love…

Differences in how men and women think.

There a couple of differences in communication styles between men and women.
1. Women talk primarily about feelings while men talk about reasons for those feelings.
2. Women are more emotional then men which leads to arguments on both sides.
3. Women are more likely to want to talk things out then men are.
4. Men like to fix things including emotions while women like to nurture things including emotions. Again this can lead to arguments on both sides.
5. Men are socialized to provide while women are socialized to nurture.

Once these differences are acknowledged on both sides, they can be practiced. For example women can work on sorting out the reasons for their feelings and men can work on labelling their feelings.

How to solve an argument.

1. Define the problem.
The more people there are the more difficult this is so spend some time on this one. Also if you do not make this clear enough, much time can be wasted while different people are trying to solve the wrong problem.
2. Brainstorm solutions
This is not the time to evaluate the solutions. Anything goes. Try to come up with at least twenty and let some of them be offbeat ones. It is the offbeat ones that can sometimes lead to real solutions. If you start saying things like, no that won't work, then very quickly everyone starts shutting down because they evaluate it in their mind and reject it. Just write down whatever is brought up whether you think it is a good idea or not.
3. Evaluate solutions
Now is the time to go over the solutions and evaluate what will work and what won't. Don't be afraid to pick a couple or a combination of some of them. Always pick a back up plan. Agree as a family that you are going to try the first and if that does not work out, you will try the second.
4. Try whatever it was that you selected.
5. After a few weeks evaluate it.
Did it work? If not then try the back up plan or go back to number 2 and either brainstorm more solutions or try another one.

What is codependency?

Lets define specifically what codependent is. Codependent is when you give more of yourself then the other person does to the point where you feel drained and then keep on giving. It is also when you stay in a painful relationship because you are afraid of being alone.

Interdependence is when both are reliant on the other and both share responsibility for whatever problems arise. There is reciprocity in the giving. While both lean on each other for support it is a sharing of support rather then one always giving and the other always receiving.

How do you know when it is time to divorce? Read on...

Divorce
There are two tasks that need to be done before a person decides to divorce. First the person deciding to leave needs to grieve the loss of what that person wanted out of the marriage. The ideal, the dream, or what once was and now is no more. That person needs to go all the way through the grieving process including the five stages of grief which usually takes about a year.
The five stages will be listed here because if you are thinking of leaving, it will give you an idea of how far you are in grieving.
1. Denial - I can't believe this is as bad as it is. He or she will get better. There is still hope for this relationship.
2. Anger - It is all my partner's fault. That person is the one that is in the wrong. Why me?
3. Bargaining - If only this would have happened or that would be different or if we could get help or if that would have worked. This is the working through understanding what went wrong in the relationship. Was it about me or the other person? Is there any way of salvaging it?
4. Guilt - It is all my fault. I am the one that allowed this to happen. I am the one that made all of the mistakes. I am the one that is wrong.
5. Acceptance - This is when you can say to yourself it is over and it no longer hurts to say it. This is when it becomes a relief to leave your partner because you know without a doubt that it is over.
Each of these stages have a purpose in understanding why the relationship failed. Each needs to be gone through.

The second task is to feel that you have done everything you could to salvage the relationship. While most of this is done in the bargaining phase, in the end it needs to be part of the acceptance that you have tried everything and nothing has worked. It does not matter what these things are, they are unique to the individual and the relationship. It just matters that you have tried several things and none have worked.

For more information, contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com

Worry too much?

Symptoms of anxiety (GAD)
Excessive worry
Lump in the throat or a choking sensation
Stomach aches or headaches
Muscles aches, tension
Jumpy, jittery, trembling

Symptoms of panic
Disturbed sleep
Clammy hands
Racing heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Numbness tingling in hands and feet from hyperventilating
Dizziness, lightheaded

People often mistake a panic attack for a heart attack. It is a good rule of thumb to have it checked out because it might be a heart attack. It is better to be embarrassed then dead.

PTSD can cause anxiety
Phobias can cause a panic attack however are limited to the object of the phobia.

Treatment options include learning how to relax and empty your mind. Medications can also be helpful. For more information or help contact me at www.brighterdays4you.com

Are you having thoughts of suicide?

5 LEVELS OF SUICIDE

LEVEL ONE
Thoughts of wanting to die
Thoughts of death with no thoughts of suicide
Just wanting to die of disease
May say things like Ï wish I was dead." when angry or hurt

LEVEL TWO
Thoughts of suicide with no plan or intent
May start feeling hopeless or helpless and may voice this
Might say things like Ï just want to kill myself or Why don't I just kill myself."when angry or hurt.

LEVEL THREE
Thoughts of suicide with a plan that is not lethal.
Non-lethal plans are plans like taking a bunch of pills, cutting wrist
No intent.

LEVEL FOUR
This is where males and females diverge.
Women are more likely to develop plans that are non-lethal and are more likely to attempt.
For women past suicide attempts as attempts get more lethal each time.
Men are more likely to develop plans that are lethal but are less likely to attempt.
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal but no intent if male
Several attempts prior if female
May talk about seeing others as better off with out them but can be talked out of this.

LEVEL FIVE
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal and with intent.
Suicide becomes the only option out of their problems.
See everyone else as better off without them and cannot be talked out of this.



Factors
If there is drinking or drug use always raise the person by a level because alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions.
Always seek help at all levels because even level one is a symptom of depression and can be treated.
Seek emergency help if at level five.
As the level gets higher the thoughts of suicide increase and become more obsessive.

How to tell if you are depressed.

There are three levels of depression. Each level builds on the other so that the moderate level includes symptoms in the mild level and severe level includes symptoms in mild and moderate.

Mild
Lack of motivation
Low self esteem
Feeling tired
Isolating self - not seeing friends or family
Sleeping too much
Feeling sad or blue most days
Thoughts of wanting to die from illness

Moderate
Losing sleep
Losing appetite
Losing hope
Thoughts of suicide with no intent
Feeling helpless, trapped
Having problems concentrating and/or making decisions

Severe
Feel hopeless and helpless
Thoughts of suicide become obsessive
Can be self destructive or self defeating
Thoughts of suicide with intent or thoughts of homicide with intent.

Help in falling asleep.

Try this exercise before going to sleep. This is a relaxation exercise designed to put you right to sleep so be in bed when you do it.

First close your eyes and then take 3 deep breaths. Then breathe in tense all the the muscles in your face, hold, relax and breath out. Next tense all the muscles in your neck, hold, relax and breath out. Work down your body until you reach your toes if you haven't fallen asleep before then. When you get to your toes, imagine all of the tensions and frustrations of the day flowing out as you breathe out. Continue to imagine the tensions and frustations flowing out as you breathe out until you fall asleep.

The best poem I have ever seen on grief.

Love and Gratitude

The agony is so great and yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much I would not hurt so much
but goodness knows I would not want to diminish that precious love
by one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt and I will be grateful to the hurt
for it bears witness to the depth of my love
and for that I will be eternally grateful.

www.brighterdays4you.com

At www.brighterdays4you.com you can find tips to help you with communicating with your children and to improve your self esteem.